The meaning of life is that it ends.

The Universe is but a screen-saver, waiting for God to twitch."

Most of American life is driving somewhere and then driving back wondering why the hell you went

It's not that life is so short; you're just dead a really long time.

Success: the maximum utilization of what others can do for you

Insanity is not a state of mind; it's a way of life

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day...But give a man a gun and others will feed him for life

Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to

Human errors can only be avoided if one can avoid the use of humans

Drinking is not a solution, unless we are talking about alcohol

In life, it's not who you know that's important, its how your wife found out

Life is rather like a tin of sardines - we're all of us looking for the key

If we don't take care of the customer, maybe they'll stop bugging us.

If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.

It takes a lot less time and most people won't notice the difference until it's too late.

Could it be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others?

Every dark cloud has a silver lining, but lightning kills hundreds of people each year who are trying to find it.

Hard work often pays off after time, but laziness always pays off now.

Quitters never win, winners never quit, but those who never win and never quit are idiots.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

If you are going through hell, keep going it might get interesting.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.
He who hesitates is a damned fool.